


Shut Up and Take My Money!

by jamieme



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Arthur Is King, Arthur Knows About Merlin's Magic, Canon Era, Court Sorcerer Merlin, Crack, Fluff, Gen, M/M, Merlin has scars, Nakedness, No Smut, Pining Arthur, can be read as merthur friendship, gwen is gay, gwen is like the advisor, hes a repressed gay, just an adventure w the trio, magic bs that i made up, magic is legal, misuse of barrels ;), the comfort u need after the last episode, this would probably be gayer from arthurs pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-15
Updated: 2018-05-15
Packaged: 2019-05-07 06:48:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14665560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamieme/pseuds/jamieme
Summary: As court sorcerer, it was Merlin's duty to make sure people were using magic for good. He's the most powerful sorcerer to ever walk the earth! Nothing could get past him!So... why is he naked?





	Shut Up and Take My Money!

**Author's Note:**

> literally based on three bitmojis I sent my friend and then she told me to write a merthur fanfic about them, so here we are ;)
> 
> this was supposed to be crack but there's some kind of plot in it...
> 
> hope you guys enjoy this episode-like adventure!

  It was a usual day in Camelot: Merlin doing his chores or whatever they were called now that he was court sorcerer, Arthur was out training with his knights, and Gwen looking at some maps with the rest of the court.

  Well, it started as a usual day.

  Then Merlin decided to take a walk.

  


  It was his duty as court sorcerer to make sure that magic wasn’t used in a corrupt manner in Camelot, so he went to the lower towns and markets frequently.

   As soon as Merlin had gotten to one of the markets, he felt magic. 

  It wasn’t an unusual feeling, now that Arthur lifted the ban, but it was strange magic. Not evil, but not magic like that of a regular sorcerer.

  


   Merlin walked around the market, some people recognizing him but many ignored him, for he almost never wore the official robes of court sorcerer nor did he ever wear anything “decent” according to Arthur. He didn’t mind. He honestly enjoyed going to the market.

  


    A bronze gleam shone at the corner of Merlin’s eye, and then disappeared quickly underneath a ragged cloth.

   As Merlin turned toward the booth where he had seen the bronze item, the strange feeling grew stronger. The booth stood at the edge of the small market, oddly separated from the others.

  


  “Hello! Welcome to Malcom’s Magical Miscellaneous Mysteries. Are you looking for anything specific?” The man behind the booth said as Merlin stood in front of him.

  


   “Magical, you say?” Merlin grins.

_   There’s absolutely nothing magical here,  _ Merlin thinks,  _ And the man doesn’t seem to know who I am. _

_  
_

   “Of course. I’ve got everything and anything you need. Fancy some girl? I’ve got the stones. Want to give her the perfect gift? I’ve got just the mirror you need. Need a bit of help with chores? I’ve got it. Just name your problem, and I’ve got the solution.” The man said, like a true vendor. 

  


   Merlin wanted to laugh out loud. This was a total farce! None of the objects displayed on the booth were magical! But Merlin still felt the strange magical feeling, a sort of thrumming in his chest.

  


   “Your name is Malcom?” Merlin asked instead.

  The man looked confused, then answered, “Yes, Malcom Mabson at your service!” His graying mustache twitched.

   Merlin hummed. The man seemed to grow impatient, but Merlin wouldn’t leave until he knew what was under the cloth behind Malcom.

_ Malcom’s a strange name… _

__ “What’s under the cloth?” Merlin asked innocently, pointing behind the vendor with furrowed brows and a curious expression.

   “Oh! That- that’s just an order. That I have to deliver. Later. It’s not for sale.” Malcom answers tersely and quickly.

   “Oh… but what is it?” Merlin asked again.

  Malcom growled, “It’s nothing! Now, you pesky boy, if you don’t want anything, leave! You’re putting off customers with your strange face!”

  


   Merlin ignored the comment about his face and turned to stare at the man in the eyes with seriousness. Merlin let a sharp smile spread on his lips.

   “You  _ will  _ tell me what is behind you or-”

  


   In a sudden flash, Merlin was naked. Well, he still had his underwear, fortunately.

_ What in the-? _

__ Malcom grinned mischievously, “I told you to leave, you insolent brat.”

   With another flash, Merlin was left dizzy and walked into a pole.

_ Who… how? _

__ Other people at the market began to notice the commotion and without another thought, Merlin ran to the nearest thing he could hide behind- a barrel. 

  


   There was a cluster of empty old barrels, big enough for Merlin to hide behind if he crouched. 

_ Damn. Who was that man? _

__ Merlin hadn’t felt Malcom’s magic at all.

   What  _ was  _ that thing behind him? And what was he going to tell Arthur? 

  


    “ _ Merlin. _ ” A stern yet incredulous voice called out behind him.

_ Oh, fuck. _

    “Why in the  _ bloody hell are you naked? _ ” Arthur whispered harshly, looking around to see if anybody was nearby, while crouching behind Merlin.

  


    Merlin was eternally embarrassed. His ears were probably bright red. But he couldn’t show it. He was the most powerful sorcerer damn it.

     “Oh, you know, just wanted to feel the breeze. It’s getting warmer isn’t it?” Merlin said conversationally.

  


     Arthur looked disgusted.

  


    “I’m  _ joking _ , you clotpole.”

    Arthur, at least, looked a bit more relieved. But he still looked uncomfortable.

  


   “So why are you naked and hiding behind a barrel? Did you forget to clothe yourself before going out?” Arthur asked, laughing a bit now.

   “Someone took them.” Merlin mumbled.  _ Bloody hell, this is embarrassing. _

__ Arthur looked shocked for a second before his eyes filled with laughter, “What was that? I couldn’t hear you quite well. Mind saying it again?” Arthur asked, trying to sound innocent.

   “Oh, sod off.” Merlin grumbled. 

  


   Sobering up a bit, Arthur nodded and looked at the people in front of the barrel.

  “Who? How?” His voice sounded a bit angry now. Merlin was confused. Arthur was staring at Merlin’s arms and chest.

   “It was- it was like  _ magic _ , but it wasn’t magic.” Merlin tried to explain.

   Arthur furrowed his eyebrows.

   “I couldn’t sense any magic from the man, but everything happened so quickly. My clothes just suddenly- disappeared! But there was something... strange about him.” 

    “...okay.” Arthur said, still looking confused, “I’ll go get your clothes back.” And stood up.

   “Wait! Just bring me other clo- You don’t even know where-” Merlin cried out, but Arthur was gone. 

    Merlin groaned. He was still naked and behind the wooden barrels.

     He had no choice but to wait for Arthur to come back. 

  


_   Why isn’t there a spell to summon clothes?  _ Merlin thinks mournfully.  


  The pavement is beginning to burn and bother Merlin’s legs. The sun beating down on his bare back. Sweat dripping down the sides of his face.  


   It’s been at least twenty minutes and Arthur still hasn’t come back. Merlin wouldn’t be surprised if Arthur had gotten distracted somehow. He always did love the markets in the lower towns.

   Merlin chuckles at the thought of Arthur looking at the small carved wooden toys or other trinkets in some booths with awe. Like a child.

  


   Then, out of nowhere, a crash is heard and someone dives next to Merlin behind the barrels.

  Merlin twists to hide most of his chest.  _ Oh no oh no oh no- _

_  
_

__ “Bloody  _ hell. _ ”

   Merlin looked up from his awkward pose,  _ Arthur? _

__ “ _ What- why are you naked?”  _ Merlin practically screeches. 

   Arthur’s blonde hair is ruffled and golden in the sunlight. There are defined muscles all over his body, and Merlin can’t help but stare. He looks heavenly.

__ “Merlin! Shut  _ up _ !” Arthur hisses.

      “I thought you said you were going to get my clothes back?” Merlin whispered loudly.

     “I- I  _ was.  _ But then Malcom- that was the man’s name, right?” Merlin nodded. “He just- I told him I was the king, and I demanded your clothes back! I even said I would pay for them! And it was quite a lot of money. More than anything you ever wear is worth. 

    “And he took the money, but then he just told me to go away and took my clothes somehow!” Arthur finished, looking confused and angry.

  


    Merlin was still confused as to  _ why in the world  _ would Arthur pay that much money for Merlin’s clothes?

__ “He stole your money? And your clothes?” Merlin asked incredulously.

     Arthur scowled, “I am the king! I’ll have him executed!”

   Merlin frowned. “He isn’t  _ evil. _ It’s just a trick.”

  


    “Oh, how would  _ you _ know?” Arthur groans, his head falling into his hands. The muscles on his back shifting, and Merlin is most definitely  _ not  _ staring. 

    “It’s not like I’m the most powerful sorcerer or anything…” Merlin mutters. But Arthur hears him.

     “How  _ do  _ you know you are the most powerful sorcerer?” Arthur asks curiously.

      Merlin shakes his head, “I’ve been told by so many. The druids. Kilgharrah. Gaius. Many others. I don’t know, Arthur, how do  _ you  _ know you’re king,  _ sire _ ?”

      Arthur scowls again, “Shut up.” There’s a blush on his cheeks.

  


      “If you  _ are  _ the most powerful sorcerer, why don’t you just, uh… make some clothes appear or something?” Arthur says.

      Merlin pouts, “It’s not that simple. I can’t create something out of nothing.”

   “Even some pieces of cloth?” 

   “You never know what might upset the balance of the universe.” Merlin answers, staring at the barrels thoughtfully. It was mostly bull, but he still wanted to sound profound with his last bit of dignity.

    Arthur stares at Merlin, and Merlin pretends not to notice the searing gaze.

  


    “Why do you have so many scars?” Arthur asked softly, "Is this why you-"  


    Merlin raised his eyebrows in surprise. He looks down at this chest and arms.

   “What happened?” Arthur frowned while tracing a particularly nasty scar on Merlin’s arm gently with his finger.

   “I- well, saving your ass hasn’t exactly been easy these past few years,” Merlin laughs, a mix of fear and nervousness filling him under Arthur’s touch. 

   But Arthur’s still frowning.

    “I’m- sorry.” His voice sounding pained. Merlin thinks it’s because the two words hurt his pride.

  


   “It’s not your fault everybody wants to kill you.” Merlin says then pretends to think about it some more, “Well, actually…”

    Arthur shoves him playfully, “Stop trying to be a knight, Merlin. It doesn’t suit you.” 

  


   The shove is a bit too strong for Merlin’s thin body, so he promptly falls on his back onto the pavement.

    He hisses in pain as the hot pavement touches his already sunburnt back. He jumps up in shock, forgetting his nakedness.

    Arthur raises an eyebrow at Merlin.

    A woman spots him, and before Merlin can even try to figure out who it is, Merlin falls back onto the pavement in a second.

  


   Arthur holds back his laughter, hand covering his mouth and eyes crinkling in glee, broad shoulders shaking. 

    Merlin tries not to smile at the cute scene. 

   But then remembers that they’re still both very much naked behind barrels, and anybody could come over here. Arthur was the  _ king.  _

_  
_

   First, Merlin would need to get them out of this situation. Then he’d have to confront Malcom again.

  


       So much for being a powerful sorcerer.

  


    The first thing Merlin can think of is the barrels. 

   He concentrates on the barrels. Maybe they could hide in them? Merlin tried not to think about how silly they would look.

  


   Unaware of Arthur’s staring, Merlin manages to make holes on the side and on the bottom of two barrels.

   “Merlin. I hope you’re not expecting me to  _ wear  _ a  _ barrel _ .” Arthur says indignantly. 

      “...we don’t have much of a choice, sire.” Merin said, not looking at Arthur in the eyes.

     They started counting down to jump into the barrels when-

  


     “I’m pretty sure it’s illegal to be naked in public.” Gwen’s voice interrupts them.

    Merlin and Arthur turn around to see a very concerned Gwen.

    She’s holding a robe in her arms that she probably took off because of the hot day. She holds it out to them. She didn’t even want to know why or how this happened.

  


   Merlin’s eyes light up, and he’s about to reach for it when Arthur grunts.

    “ _ Mer _ lin. You don’t expect the  _ king _ to stay out here while  _ you  _ go and get dressed?” Arthur asks with narrowed eyes.

    Merlin narrows his eyes back at Arthur because he’s not a servant anymore, and also it’s really hot out here and his skin is not taking the sun kindly.

   “And  _ I _ don’t think anybody expects to see the  _ king  _ walk around with a silk robe with tassels. Of course, I’m your friend, and I won’t judge you for your taste-”

   “ _ Mer _ lin. Shut  _ up _ !” Arthur blushes furiously.

  


   Gwen only raises an eyebrow. She sees two sweaty,  _ grown, naked  _ men (that are supposedly the most powerful in all of Albion) arguing about wearing a simple robe. How was Camelot still standing? 

  


    “Arthur, the robe probably doesn’t even fit around your big shoulders.” Gwen finally says, tired of the bickering, “We’ll come back with clothes for you.”

  Arthur pouts but doesn’t argue.

   Merlin takes the robe and quickly wraps it around him. Gwen looks away from his lean and scarred chest, not wanting to see things she hasn’t ever been interested in.

    Merlin stands, the hood covering most of his face. His hands hold both sides of the robe tightly in front of his chest. His ankles peeking out under the robe. Gwen sighs. Sefa had just washed that robe.

   “Please hurry.” Arthur whines, and Gwen raises an eyebrow at how much he still looks like an honorable king in just his underwear and covered in sweat and dust.

    She rolls her eyes and pulls Merlin to the castle.

  


+

  


   They were all dressed now and sitting in Arthur’s room.

   Gwen cleared her throat. “I… I don’t want to know why you were both naked outside of the market, so I hope that isn’t why you asked me to come here.” 

    “No, no...well,” Arthur started.

    Raising her hand to silence them, “No thank you. You might be the king and my friend, but I’m not interested in your sexual fantasies.”

    Both Arthur and Merlin spluttered and blushed at her words.

    “We weren’t-!”

     “I don’t-!”

   “It was a strange magical man! Not even Merlin can figure it out! We need the smartest person!” Arthur finally says.

   Gwen tries not to smile at the unintentional flattery.

   “Fine.” Gwen relents, “What happened?”

  


+

  


   They’ll use reasoning, but they won’t hesitate to use force if they need to. The man  _ did _ use magic against the king, technically.

    Gwen approaches the booth first, smiling kindly and looking at the small relics on display.  


  


    “Welcome to Malcom’s Magical Miscellaneous Mysteries. I’ve got the solution to any problem you have-”

   “Yes, I’m looking for the clothes you stole from my friends earlier.” Gwen says in a stern voice but with a kind look.

  


    Malcom shifts uneasily under Gwen’s gaze. He must be a traveler if hadn’t recognized the king.

   “Look, miss, they were botherin’ me, and I didn’t want them to-”

   Gwen bit her lip to keep from screaming at the ignorant man that he stole from  _ the king  _ and from  _ the court sorcerer.  _ It was kind of funny now that Gwen thought about it. She should really be congratulating the man.

  


    “How’d you do it?” Gwen said, leaning on the booth, inclining her head as if they were sharing a secret.

    Malcom grinned and whispered to Gwen, “Miss, you look like a trustful person. I’ll tell ya. Look, I’ve got no magic. Not a drop. But I found myself this magical artifact. It’s thousands of years old.”

  


   Malcom uncovered a bronze item behind him. Gwen peered over his shoulder.

  It looked old. And rusty. But there was some sort of dark green gem in the center.

  


  “It makes my customers want to give me money. Lots of it, in fact. And sometimes it’ll do whatever I want it to. Hence the missing clothes. I won’t do anything to you, miss.” Malcom smirks.

    Gwen doesn’t let shock take over her face. 

  “Oh… well, I’m sure it’s plenty useful for someone like you.”

   “Someone like me?” Malcom looks confused.

   “Yes, someone strange. That’s basically stealing, isn’t it?” Gwen scrunches her nose.

  


    Malcom begins to redden in embarrassment.

   “Look here, Miss, you looked nice. But what you’re implying-”

    “Is that you’ll have to be arrested for fraud.” Arthur cuts in from behind Malcom, grabbing the man’s arms and pinning them behind his back.

   “And would you say misuse of magic? Frankly, there’s better ways to use that relic you’re keeping under that dirty rag.” Merlin says, standing next to Gwen.

   Malcom looked shocked and fear began to flood his eyes. “I’m- I just- miss! Tell them I’ve got two children at home and a pregnant wife!”

  


   Gwen smiled, “You didn’t mention you were expecting a baby! Oh how good for you. I didn’t even know you had children at all.” Gwen raised an eyebrow, “Malcom, we don’t know each other.”

  “Do you really have a pregnant wife?” Merlin asked.

   “Of  _ course _ , he doesn’t.  _ Mer _ lin. Have you learned nothing?” Arthur says, exasperated, at the same time as Malcom shakes his head, looking guilty.

    “Well, at least he’s honest.” Gwen says.

  


    Merlin nods, and then cast a spell on the bronze relic for it to drag in the air behind them as they walk back to the castle.

  “I’ll study this later, with Gaius and the others. I don’t think Malcom’s been using it properly.” Merlin says, looking at the gem curiously.

   Arthur nods, eyebrows furrowed as he pushes Malcom in front of him and hands him to a knight. “Send him to the dungeon, we’ll have to interrogate him later.” 

   The knight nods and leaves with Malcom.

  


  “I’m going to go now.” Gwen declares, “Now, don’t get handsy and undress each other again. Not while you’re in public, at least.”

   Before Arthur and Merlin can say anything, she leaves. 

  


   “I don’t want to see you naked ever again, Merlin.” Arthur says, trying to keep a poker face.

   “Really?" Merlin grins, " Because that's not what you wanted last night.” 

  


  


**Author's Note:**

> this fic is a train wreck


End file.
